When it comes to the subject of accomplishment, never in my life i felt so anxious since the day STPM results were out. That day was very important to me as it determined the path of my life. You see, it was the only road i know that can bring me to where i wanted to go. It was like going to the east coast; there was this direct, wide and safe highway that comes with a certain price, while another one was this one-lane, long winded trunk road with a little risk of its own. The highway was not the road for me.

 

Today there is this intense adrenaline rush to be the soul of the flesh i wanted to be. The expectation i gave myself was immense and i nearly drowned myself in this self created stress.

 

In the end, I realised that I set my expectation wrongly. I was aiming at numbers rather than the art itself. I thought I was chasing after time, when i was actually ahead of it. I could have done more but my guarded heart sets me back.

 

Mistakes here and there were made. It's heartaching to call it an experience, for it's paid with trust and material which is not mine to say it's okay. I'll rather call it as mistakes, a life experience but a mistake still. The only thing i can do now is to learn from it or just quit. Only small men choose the shorter route, the Q-road.

 

Plant some seeds of confidence, be calm as water is only clear when it is still and continue learning as knowledge only comes to those who seek rather than acquired automatically as we age. I must remind myself, i need to pick up the pieces and get back on the road again.

 

~Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality~

The next time when we dine at any fastfood outlet..i wonder if we should just order and leave the plate untouch or should we finish it all...hmm.

 

  

 

 

 

I tossed and turned last night. Just coudn't find the right position to make myself sleep. It was already 4am.

I'm inexplicably worried about things that are about to come my way.

I might be thinking too much, way too far ahead. Take life one step at a time? But at this stressful time, it's no wonder why i'm behaving this way. I'm standing on the edge of life that i've never been before. And the next leap is freaking me out.

Living is not just the day we were borned, marriage is not all about the wedding day, and so is a career not about the graduation day alone. They are all merely the start off points of another long race.

What do i do after this? Do i go all out and scale the highest peak there in career? Work changes a person, will it turns me into somebody else? For all this while, i'm eyeing on this year, for i know, what comes next will definitely brings more comfort to the ones living under the same roof. It's time for me to contribute, to make it up for the years i slacked, all for the sake of ambition and satisfaction.

As contented as my heart can contains, it never really stop me from wanting to continue marching. Life goals are actually moving goal posts, when you thought you are reaching, they move further.

What is next? Work 7 or at least 6 days a week? Then there is john. As much as i want to achieve and leave my marks in places that matter to me, that is also how much i want to make him happy. Can things run simultaneously? Is there a way? Will anyone get hurt as i bulldoze myself to the top? Who will be standing next to me when i strive? And then the question backfires, will i be standing next to him while he's fighting for us? Will i do good?

Time out!

When ships reach the port, they'll move in a straight configuration themselves. There is no need to worry so much of things that is out of our capability to arrange and change. Maybe, the best thing now is to embrace the next chapter courageously and be assured that come what may, i'm not alone.

Have faith.

It was like watching a movie, and suddenly the roller stopped. The repairman tried his best to find the fault, but he just couldn't. No other choice left, the patrons left the theatre holding their empty paper cup probably with some leftover ice cubes on their right hand, bags of unfinished caramelised popcorn on the other hand and a chest of curious heart.

 

The wrath was there, probably because it was left unfinish. For days, the patrons cried out their grief to other townfolks. For weeks, they searched every corner for an answer they would pay with every gold they owned just to be enlightened. For months, it became the talk of the town. As years went by, the town was abuzz with activities, nobody remembered the film anymore.

 

Nobody knew what happened to the ending. It could had been the greatest story ever, what a pity, it was left untold. It may be no more than a memory, but if it was a worthy one, they did not regret the ticket paid.

 

Soon another blockbuster was up and the theatre was again full house.

 

Absence takes more energy than presence.

  

All the wishing and hoping and waiting consume a lot of strength. Sometimes, patience just ran away leaving us agitated. We cling on to nothing except for promises. It is difficult. But what lies in front is worth moving forward.

 

The missing part is ineffable. And i effin miss him.

As harmless as a rabbit can be, with an excellent masked storyteller, it can be turned into a dangerous creature.

 

Sometimes, it can be rather frustrating when all you want is to stay out of trouble, but trouble seems to sneak right up to you in it's very own dirty way. Of so many friends you made, meeting one wicked lemon is enough to make life miserable. No matter how much sugar u tried to rub on it, it'll never help, as it is sour to the core.

 

Sad as sad can be, she was paraded and burned at high stake, for this scrupulous figure manipulated the good minds of people to cover his own sin. She should speak, make verbal and share. But she took a step back and let things be. For her voice, too tiny to be heard. She was nobody to control the minds of many. It didn't matter to her for those important to her were wise enough to see. Forgive the evil, for his heart and mind only have room enough to fit himself. Never will he understand the hardship he caused to others. Pray for the day, the foolish will be once again free from the blindness created from the infinity layer of deceptions.

 

There are times when silent words have the loudest voice. Maybe it is never that bad to be misunderstood. History had Pythagoras misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh.

 

I did not write so that she can be understood, it was so much so that she can't be misunderstood.

 

Found something different yet similar. LOL

..to be at one in silent unspeakable memories

Tell me all hearts are genuine,

Tell me that sun is shining brightly,

Because when the clouds come in, it'll be raining.

 

Tell me all intentions are clear,

Tell me that rivers always flow,

Because when they clog, fishes will die.

 

Tell me promises are still hold dear,

Tell me that trees hold ground despite the storm,

Because when they uproot, leaves will never sprout again.

 

Tell me human goodness never go away,

Tell me mirrors reflect everything before them,

Because when then don't, they are just plastic.

 

Tell me one plus one is still two,

Tell me that otters still mate for life,

Because if they stray, Lyrebirds will not build their love nest.

 

Tell me birds of a feather flock together,

Tell me dreams do happen,

Because when they do, i'll be the happiest.

 

Distance creates void in between. It is knowing that the void is soon to be filled again gives comfort and waiting worth while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is like it beats so fast for no apparent reason. Acids secreted for unnecessary calories. Goes up the cranium, force open valves and then u sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

p/s: This is totally a random post written by someone passed sleeping hour. Not related to anyone in real life, no animals involved and nothing is to be learned from here. =D

There are many things in life that have nothing in between.

 

It's either this or that. Yes or no. Success or failure. Friend or foe. Big or small. Right or wrong. Heaven or hell.

 

And in this age where speed is what matters, our mind tend to work more like a matrix, it's "0" or "1", not "0" and slowly to "1, 2, ....8, 9, .."

 

What i actually want to say is, it's scary how fragile one's faith is. How light friendships weigh. How thin an earlobe can be. It can be rather amazing how words can jeopardise bonds, like how women can bring down empires.

 

Human brain works in a very complicated way. An apple, when passes through the lens as light, triggering the optic nerves and to the CPU of our body can be interpreted differently. Some will think it's a very delicious apple, some just red apple, to some it's a poisonous apple and some, being creative or maybe merely ignorant, it could be an orange.

The eyes only see what the brain knows. When it comes to the matter of heart, who is the boss?

 

It could be pretty challenging for us to see what is truly in front of us when all we have is a little bit of wisdom, half cup of faith and a lot of distrust. The fog of doubt can be real thick. Our mind, our values and virtue shall be the compass.

 

In most cases, there are no good or bad. It's just the mind projecting what is perceived as reality. It's all in the thought. And with the little wisdom we are bestowed, use it to distinguish what is purposely made confused the bad and the good.

 

Take heart that things do not come conveniently, they come with higher purpose. Not all lives cross path, and when they do, it should be treassured. They did for reasons, we might not comprehend now but they are significant. Note that a bond so strong is not merely fate, it takes clear intentions, sincere hearts and a good sense of commitment to get to where it is.

 

The seeds we sow will grow into the fruit we harvest. A farmer should be careful in choosing the seeds to plant.

 

In the end, most things are not as bad as it may thought to be. Sometimes, we try so hard to see in between lines, when there is actually nothing there. Most of the time, we tend to focus our energy on what is negative when we know it is really taxing us. And for all the time, an apple is just an apple.

It's the season of joy and giving again. They say all roads lead to home on christmas day, and so, here i am..at home during xmas eve.

 

I have all the time to kill tonight. To start off the night, i lay on my bed with an empty mind. Then images and subjects started to roll one by one into my thinking bubble. A few past conversations played itself, images of people smiling; they are the giants of my life! Then out of the sudden, i thought of forgiveness.

 

Maybe it's not much of a surprise, as we are at the very end of the year now, i'm sure there are times when v did wrong and also times when v were wronged by others throughout the year.

 

My mind is more to the latter one. I tried so hard not to see it, but the intensity is getting much more obvious for me not to notice. My heart pains when people self destruct. My eyes sore when people have the heart to deceive others for own benefit. Why would someone do that? I asked myself. Perhaps this is the mistake, i asked the wrong person. Perhaps it's a good thing not to understand. By understanding, i'm giving an identity to the pain and it'll be something meaningful, which i never wanted it to be.

 

Giving become something severe when people take it as we are weak. Maybe it's silly to trust the goodness of mankind, that people do stupid things sometimes because they do not realise what they do hurt others. What if the person actually knows, but refuse to acknowledge the fact? I'm letting myself to be vulnerable, not because i believe in that, sometimes i just do not know how not to be.

 

All i want now is to be able to just see this as some thing else and not allow it to affect me. I'm rising above!  And it shall not affect me and all my hopes and dreams come 2009! It's the year i've been waiting for and it's here finally! So, let's not allow little things that shouldn't be a matter to me jeopardising MY year!

 

Merry Xmas!!

Came across these two beautiful stanzas of lyrics in the chorus of one song. I wonder how some things that look so similar at once glance can bear such different meaning altogether when given more thoughts about them.

 

And it crossed my heart
When did all this start?
Stand together, fall apart
And it crossed my heart

 

And it crossed my heart
When did all this start?
Fall together, stand apart
And it crossed my heart

 

Really would love to hear some comments and see how you would interpret these lines.

 

This music video gives mixed feelings. I keep listening to it for days. LOL. It is a sad song, yet the lyrics is hilarious and the singer can really pull it off with such straight face.

 

 

Stupidity perhaps is the best remedy to heartbreaks. Life should never be taken too seriously.

 

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. - Alan Cohen

 

When a good story ends, let it ends gracefully. Embrace the next, they are usually greater, as we have learned.

Today there'll be meteors, somewhere east.

 

Probably shooting above, over the roof of my house now..

 

I've never seen one before. Somehow, i'm not very much motivated to go outside to catch a glimpse. Nope, just not motivated.

 

Human is weak because of the existence of feelings.

 

Feelings of grudge is eating us up when we hold on to them. What is so precious of it that we cannot let go? Some even prohibit others to achieve things just because they themselves is not determined enough. It's so not helping.

 

Because the other has feelings, she couldn't give her best as it would be a sore eye for envy. Loudness breaks courage. Jealousy bursts bubbly.

 

Contentment is much in need. All the gems in africa will not suffice if the heart is not contented. Instil some and hope will gradually bloom in to a garden of happiness.

 

Creator should not be disparaged by his creations. Only good trees bear good fruits. It's only natural, if we make our marks outside, you did it too. Fuel is not needed, take away some fire if you must.

 

My words are weak, but i wish u would hear me, prosper not in wealth, but in health and soul. Peace i live with you, my peace i give to you too.

 

Today the moon looked down to the earth,

 

My heart says: lub-dub...lub dub..dub dub..lub dub

 

I smile. I know i'm a lucky girl..=D

 

Have you ever notice? Have you ever thought about it? hee~!

When u were listening to the radio, a song was playing, a normal song to everyone else's ear, but it's a song that reminds you of someone.

 

It is YOUR song..deep down u know..it's HIS song, it's OUR song!

 

When a person enters your life, he'll bring in his songs. And together, you'll gather more songs. When he left, the songs stay on.

 

It's beautiful, isn't it?

 

I just realised it today. Trying to recollect it and put them into their respective "albums"....I smiled to myself. Those are the little things that make a wonderful life even more sweeter!

 

 

...because i don't know what else to do.

 

In this world, there're a lot more problems, bigger and much more complicated ones, compare to the those we are facing. If we can just stop focusing on ourselves too much, we'll realise that the difficulties we are facing are just like a tree to a jungle.

 

A small grain of sand in our shoes hurt, but a godzillion of them on the seaside make a beautiful beach. I guess, it's the same with problems. A little bit of them make life a little more challenging. Charging us to move forth.

 

But what about life obstacles that actually spell something like, a full stop? The ending of a life that just beginning to look better. What if the problem is an end stage carcinoma? How can i see something positive from that?

Why is it so late? How come she never tell anyone about it until now? Why didn't we notice? What about now? Why now? Why not earlier when it's smaller? When the prognosis is better..Why do this to yourself? Why? But they're all useless now.

 

Right now, we need to say, it's okay. It'll be alright. You will be cured! Nothing to be worry about, be happy that everything is under control and that we are in good hands. So said uncle, and my aunt looked at me. I smiled and nodded...she smiled back and i held her hand, walking away from hospital. I could see signs of relief. I had given her temporary happiness, false confidence and hope that was built on nothingness.

 

Lying is theft. I stole time from her. Telling her she still has forever to look at, when she actually don't.